Hasn’t been my first option as of late.
Home has morphed into the shape
Of my office, my car, my second office, his bed and my sisters guest room.
Emotionally disconnected to the place where I used to find refuge. Familiarity of walls that used to hold me together now just hold my things.
I feel like a nomad, not really belonging where I stay and finding haven through the people I stay with. The most important items I
Need are portable or intangible.
You can say my wings have outgrown the nest. My next venture is finding a real home Of my own on my own.
This is exactly what happened.
Emotional detachment is necessary to survive in the financial world.
No one gives a shit about how you made someone feel here, or if you inspired them to be a better person that day. They only give a shit about the figures, and whether you were capable of increasing their wealth. It’s tough, it’s cut throat, it keeps you on your toes.
It’s a heartless world- It needs a heartless girl. I often find myself questioning my motives. Maybe the only reason I moved forward with this career is to prove to myself that I can find my way around a tricky hand.
I’ve been working excessively long hours and the work never leaves me. It tends to follow me like a guilty shadow.
At the end of the day I’m a dried out soul with no fucks to give.
I didn’t sell myself out—-i’ve just worked myself empty.
….This is not what you wanted
What you wanted for me
I know that much now
You will call me a harlot
You will call me a whore
But see I’m a man now
I’m worth so much more
But I’ve got the heart of a hustler
With a hustler’s pain
I’ve got the heart of a hustler
With all a hustler’s shame
I’ve got the body of a lover
With a masochists brain
I’ve got the heart of a hustler
I’m playing a dangerous game
The mind say no sir
But the body says please
The heart stays silent
Such a silent tease
And I don’t know why I’m telling you this …
But I still resonate in your memories. So much so, that you can’t leave them alone.
And this my friend defines. Regret.
It’s nice to finally be on the other side of things.
I can’t hear my own thoughts anymore.
Did I ask for you for you opinion? No.
Did I ask for your help? No.
Did I need help? Maybe.
But do I want it? No.
I’m constantly drowned in a sea of questions. And I’m tired of being interrogated of the direction I’m navigating my life. I’m tired of the chain of opinions and doubts and never ending qualms about all my decisions.
I spend so much time being defensive, it’s exhausting.
If I still have the ability to take care of my responsibilities and then some, why do all my motives have to be constantly questioned?
And the truth is..I haven’t had the time to sit down with my goals. To map this fucked up map which is supposed to be my so called journey. You can say that I’m picnicked at fork in the road between finding happiness & finding stability.. and yes I am aware that time is ticking. I’m reminded every morning by three toned alarm of reality..I really don’t need anyone else to be the cricket on my shoulder. Family, friend, colleague or not.
and looking back I feel like I’ve become a different person. So many changes and challenges faced within a short span of 12 months. What comes next is beyond my control, and I admit that makes me anxious.
What I need to work on this year:
-Find balance: There’s a significant amount of time and effort that I’m obligated to sacrifice for the position I’m working for, but there’s a line that I need to learn to draw.
-My body: I’m ashamed to say, that I’ve been putting my health & fitness on the back burner ever since I started creating my position at work and gained back the weight. There’s no excuse for it. Yoga, gym, swim, hiking-I need it all back in my life.
-Watch my temper-those who know me understand that this is an understatement.
-Organize myself-Create a work area where I can focus, organize my closet, rearrange my room.
-Quality time: With friends, family, the boyfriend and myself. Losing sight of who I am currently while I’m busy trying to make something out of myself for the future. I need to keep myself grounded.
-Financials: Fight harder for what I know I deserve. Do what I need to do to make my commission, save & balance, begin loan repayments, begin diversifying my own money.
The list ultimately could be never ending. I’m not big on resolutions, but I’m all about trying to be a better, stronger person than I have been in the past.