….This is not what you wanted
What you wanted for me
I know that much now
You will call me a harlot
You will call me a whore
But see I’m a man now
I’m worth so much more
But I’ve got the heart of a hustler
With a hustler’s pain
I’ve got the heart of a hustler
With all a hustler’s shame
I’ve got the body of a lover
With a masochists brain
I’ve got the heart of a hustler
I’m playing a dangerous game
The mind say no sir
But the body says please
The heart stays silent
Such a silent tease
And I don’t know why I’m telling you this …
But I still resonate in your memories. So much so, that you can’t leave them alone.
And this my friend defines. Regret.
It’s nice to finally be on the other side of things.
I can’t hear my own thoughts anymore.
Did I ask for you for you opinion? No.
Did I ask for your help? No.
Did I need help? Maybe.
But do I want it? No.
I’m constantly drowned in a sea of questions. And I’m tired of being interrogated of the direction I’m navigating my life. I’m tired of the chain of opinions and doubts and never ending qualms about all my decisions.
I spend so much time being defensive, it’s exhausting.
If I still have the ability to take care of my responsibilities and then some, why do all my motives have to be constantly questioned?
And the truth is..I haven’t had the time to sit down with my goals. To map this fucked up map which is supposed to be my so called journey. You can say that I’m picnicked at fork in the road between finding happiness & finding stability.. and yes I am aware that time is ticking. I’m reminded every morning by three toned alarm of reality..I really don’t need anyone else to be the cricket on my shoulder. Family, friend, colleague or not.
and looking back I feel like I’ve become a different person. So many changes and challenges faced within a short span of 12 months. What comes next is beyond my control, and I admit that makes me anxious.
What I need to work on this year:
-Find balance: There’s a significant amount of time and effort that I’m obligated to sacrifice for the position I’m working for, but there’s a line that I need to learn to draw.
-My body: I’m ashamed to say, that I’ve been putting my health & fitness on the back burner ever since I started creating my position at work and gained back the weight. There’s no excuse for it. Yoga, gym, swim, hiking-I need it all back in my life.
-Watch my temper-those who know me understand that this is an understatement.
-Organize myself-Create a work area where I can focus, organize my closet, rearrange my room.
-Quality time: With friends, family, the boyfriend and myself. Losing sight of who I am currently while I’m busy trying to make something out of myself for the future. I need to keep myself grounded.
-Financials: Fight harder for what I know I deserve. Do what I need to do to make my commission, save & balance, begin loan repayments, begin diversifying my own money.
The list ultimately could be never ending. I’m not big on resolutions, but I’m all about trying to be a better, stronger person than I have been in the past.
I get overwhelmed. I get tired. I get irritable. I let it get the best of me. I pour myself into my work. I let it leach my emotions. I take it personally. I’m physically and emotionally exhausted, I have anxiety, and I continually second guess my actions.
My mother doesn’t see the sense in it. I can just take the easy way out..settle and sit myself down at a desk and repeat a routine for another 365 days.
But I wouldn’t be myself if I did. I would hate myself if I did. It’s just not my nature to take the easy way out.
I’ve been asking for an opportunity and this landed in my lap. It’s time to prove my worth, even if it means proving myself wrong.
You know what they say..the greater the risk the greater the return.
I guess you can say..I’m all in.
It’s going to be a long journey, but I’m anxious to see where it could lead me.
and that’s the most devastating tragedy.
Focused on the scars, the dirt road, and the battlegrounds—people forget what they amount can amount to.
Strength & Resilience.